![]() She no longer even pretends to support that side of me. Lately he’s gotten bolder, staying close to me always, I can’t keep hiding him. He sucks the life out of all the things I used to love. He makes it hard to breathe sometimes, he holds me in bed much longer than I want to be. He kept to the shadows, I knew he was there, but I never let anyone see him. But my ugly depression beast merely hid in the shadows. I got away from college stress, worked a couple jobs, moved in with my now husband. It’s bad enough having a mental breakdown in a public place, but realizing that in your panic, you left everything in that classroom that’s still in session, and you have to walk back red-faced, flustered, and face them all only to leave? Talk about multiplying the anxiety levels…įor a while I got better. My best friend couldn’t understand what I was going through and didn’t think that I was truly breaking, she thought I was being dramatic. She listened, she tried asking questions, when I exhausted all her “fixes” she finally told me that I should do what I felt I needed, but I could hear it in her voice, she thought it was stupid. I think this is what helped my finally make this decision, but I digress. No, I have never been suicidal-I sometimes wish I could switch places with my dog, but I’ve been able to stay away from thoughts of death. I cried to her and told her about all the things I’d been bottling up. I crumpled and tried calling the one person who still cared-he didn’t pick up. I found the closest bathroom and took refuge in the stall. In the middle of a class, watching a movie about how college didn’t matter, I ran out of the room crying. Merely a few days later, it happened.Īll my bottled feelings that had not been shared busted open. He said that they were nothing in the grand scheme, that other kids in other countries had it worse. One day a professor that noticed I skipped a couple assignments asked, I didn’t really answer, but he still outright said that my problems didn’t matter. My friends…what friends? I had secluded myself. Subjects I used to be passionate about, I dreaded. I struggled more and my grades dropped, I failed a few classes. I stopped telling people how hard it was, how unhappy I was, I never talked about any of it. whenever I opened up to someone, they acted like I was whining for no reason. I dreaded getting out of bed, I never wanted to do homework, I wrote less and less in my schedule book, skipped more and more classes. All the people that provided for me scoffed at the idea that I wanted a break. Those days seem like a movie, like that person isn’t really me.Ĭollege triggered it…I started struggling, I wanted a break, to sit back and think about why I wasn’t doing as well as I was used to, but everyone in my life just expected me to keep going. I didn’t used to be this way, I remember a time when I had passions and goals, when I actually enjoyed being with people and having a day full of activities. I keep pushing away those closest to me, snapping at them and ignoring them. ![]() I don’t think I can handle their judgement and sighs. Hopefully those I know in real life have drifted away from tumblr as I had. I often do that, I find a new media site to plant my thoughts and get my feelings out, until someone I know in real life finds me… then I have to sensor myself again.
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